Greatness=Grace

I cannot lie. I live my life in tremendous fear. 

I have this untamed fear of failure. No, not failure in the natural. It has no bearing on my eternity. I am afraid of failing God. 

Remember when you were younger, and you would try so hard to please your parents? You'd draw little pictures, or make up little songs, then you'd look at them to see if they're watching and are happy. It really is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Knowing that the people who matter most are pleased with your performance, or better yet--your effort.

 Its quite unsettling. Thoughts of messing up or not doing enough tend to be what floods my mind. Although its always racing, and other things do consume it...its the most prominent. I cant shake it. In the back of my head I have this terrible feeling that I don't do enough. Part of it stems from how I was raised, the other stems from how Im living. I was raised with the "theres always going to be someone better than you" mentality. Although I'm sure my parents meant to instill that in me to break pride, instead it brought lack of drive. I figured if theres always going to be someone better, why try to be the best? I saw no point in striving for greatness simply because I was never taught that I could be great. Sad. I know. Whats even more sad is that now I struggle with trying to be great but knowing always in the back of my head that I can never do enough. I can never be enough. I would hate to make it to the judgement seat of Christ and still have a very long list of things I had yet to accomplish. I can only pray and trust that when I see Him He'll be pleased. 

I'm so afraid of making a mistake, or stepping out of the will of God that I don't even try anymore. I don't make attempts. I don't wait. This fear has overcome me so much so that sometimes I'm afraid to even move or speak. But recently I got to thinking: I would much rather be held accountable for my failure due to effort, than be held accountable for my failure for lack thereof. The plan of God is so perfect and so spectacular, that we in our human abilities have no way of fulfilling it. But the mercy of God is unquenchable. It reaches far beyond what the eye can see. And He knows, I'll mess up. He knows I'll fail. And He knows I wont ever be able to bring everything to completion and perfection. But the beauty of it all lies in the simple fact that He never asked me to. He leaves room for failure. How do I know? Because His one and only son was sent to shed His innocent and unfailing blood so that my failings wont be held against me. So that your failings wont be held against you. 

My fear? Still there--I will fail God. Him on the other hand, He'll never fail. And that my friends is peace enough for me.