Undisguised

I have longed for the day when I could rip my bandages off--unashamed of the scars I bear. 

It is perhaps one of Christianity's greatest flaws. We are taught to harbor and cove-rup our wounds and flaws. We put on a sort of spiritual makeup and cross our fingers that no one sees our blemishes. It is frowned upon to let people know the struggles we face: as individuals, as couples, as friends, as communities, as families, and as churches...

Right here—Right now

I am stripping off my bandages

Removing all of my cover-ups and concealers

And allowing myself to be vulnerable and transparent

For the entire world to see.

I have been in turmoil since the year began.

My heart is far from God, I let my head knowledge and studies get in the way of my heart knowledge and experiences. I begun doubting His ability to save. As I look around at every situation I have come across this year so far I have seen nothing but natural contradictions, which in turn have jeopardized the strength of my super-natural faith. I fell into a depression and lost all hope of accomplishing anything. I stopped worshipping and started complaining. I traded my joy for sorrow. I lived as a Christian with an Atheist’s mindset. HOW is it possible that this could turn around? I saw nothing but black in every direction I turned. I lost sleep, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t concentrate. My hope was gone. I had abandoned the only thing that had gotten me through my other trials.

I wish that I could say that through the fog came a glimmer of light, that I had an “aha!” moment. That I read a profound passage out of the Bible, or that someone spoke deeply to my spirit. On the contrary—God broke me more than I already had been.

In a moment I was shattered into a thousand pieces.

When I was younger my mom and I would sing this song together from a tv program I used to watch.

The next thing I know, my dad is singing this song to me—right there in the car, with my mom and brother present. What a moment to behold…

My father singing to me.

That resonated with me the rest of the day.

My dad, a man who I’ve spent my life with—speaking my language, my spirits language, you cant imagine the humility I experienced in that moment. The conviction that settled on me was overwhelming. I couldn’t even cry. I experienced the greatest amount of shame I have ever felt in my life. Why should I doubt God?

I can hear the gasps and judgments through the screen.

A worship leader? Doubting God? Losing her faith?

Abominable!!!

Go ahead, throw your stones. But I have come to greater revelation being on the receiving end of them, then I did when I was throwing them.

It is OK to struggle. And it is OK to let other people know you are struggling! The Bible doesn’t talk about showing face. It talks about humility. Becoming transparent. I never experienced so much transparency as I have while being here in Greenville. We think that it will make people look down on us or judge us. While that is inevitable I found myself doing quite the opposite. I have learned to have greater respect for people who are open and honest about their sins and shortcomings. I find that God releases a greater amount of grace when we aren’t prideful and allow others to see our struggles.

There you have it. I study the word and its history and its meaning. I swim in a sea of theological information. But so far in 2012 I’ve experienced a loss of faith. I have questioned God’s supernatural abilities. And I have stopped worshipping.

I have NOT, however, lost my salvation.

I am still a firm believer in the saving work of God and his redeeming power through the blood of Christ.

We all fall short. Some cover up their scratches.

I’m exposing mine.

Becoming undisguised.