I've never told ANYONE.

So I fell. Sue me.

I spent my whole life being guarded and scared. Partially because of what I've been told and partially because of what other people would think. I let myself believe that if I made other people happy with the relationships I was in then I'd be happy too. Sadly, that wasn't the case. I never made them happy--I never made myself happy. I let the judgements that other people make get the best of me. I let my heart be held by people who don't hold my future. As every human, all I ever wanted was to love. It must be something spectacular if the world has this undying obsession with it, right? I mean, I don't really know much about it other than what I've been told. But I do know that I've seen it once. 

It was a cold day in December and one of the most beautiful days indeed. I saw it standing there, tall as ever. I, of course, had no idea who he was. I watched him sit at my piano and play a million songs while my mom and I did puzzles at the table. I had always wanted to sing for him but I knew he was a harsh critic so I never did. He was there during the most difficult time of my life. I fought with him almost daily. He was so old to me, even though he was only 11 days older. We hugged twice in the span of a 2 year friendship. I quickly found myself falling for someone who was so very different from me. He would always say "we're from two different worlds." And that was the best part about it. He knew nothing of what I knew and vice versa. We hadn't ever experienced the same things which meant we'd have endless stories to share. We were completely opposite. "Saint and sinner" he would say. I spent hours talking to him, days thinking about him, and now I'll spend years regretting him. I can't walk into a bookstore without him coming to mind. 

He used to think I never paid attention. But I always paid attention. I loved his strange collections of music and literature. I loved how he'd driven to my house a million times and used a GPS every time. I loved how he would go off on tangents about life being about pain and heartache and tell me one day I'd find a good man and forget about him. He was really one of the only people I'd ever shared so much of myself with. Sounds ideal huh? Things took a turn when I started developing feelings for him. He'd told me he felt the same, but I never brought myself to revealing it to him. I knew in my mind it would never work. At the same time I knew in my heart that he was exactly what I wanted. 

(If you've read this far, I commend you.) 

I started thinking that something like this would never fly with my family or my church. All that would race through my head was everyone disagreeing that I wasn't with someone who was a Christian. So I stopped contacting him. It made sense at the time. I develop feelings that I cant act on, so I cut him off. Seems easy. I didn't mind it as long as I knew that I could call him up and know he'd be there. Til one day he called and told me he had hit the road and left Chicago. [Originally he's from Hartford CT. To be honest I doubt he'd even care an ounce now.]  I remember being at my aunts house and crying cause I knew I'd missed my chance. At that point all I wanted was a hug from him.

 Im still trying to talk myself out of finishing this blog. It's more than likely just me being, well, me. 

I wont go into the gory details about how our friendship ended. I wont lay blame on anyone either. But I will say this, our separation is tearing me up inside. I promised him that I wouldn't come back. I don't know whats more foolish. Me wanting to, or me just sitting here writing blogs about it for the rest of my life. Im sure he's not torn up about it, or secretly hoping that I do come back. But I'm more sure that I would give anything to see him again and lay it all out, just so that I don't have to wonder. I'd love to know that I fell and was able to get back up without a scar. As of right now--its still an open wound, and I miss him more everyday.