I never told anyone: Part Deux

Remember the love I told you about?

I should probably give you an update as to its whereabouts. 

My phone vibrated in the pocket of my jeans. I was startled by its ringing so I grabbed it to see who it was. I didn't recognize the number right away, but I assumed it was someone from school who's number I didn't have saved. Anyway, I proceeded to pick up the phone. Unfortunately my family was blaring a Marc Anthony concert so I had to exit the room to hear the voice on the other end. Once I heard the voice I immediately knew it was him. He said he needed to talk to me about something. Naturally I assumed the worst. I was at a family function so I told him I'd call him back. 

When I got home that evening I prayed and mustered up the courage to call. He didn't pick up the first time, and of course I missed the call back, so I dialed once more and--he answered. The next hour would be spent listening intently to everything he had to say. There were moments I let out small giggles, but I never let him know I was crying on the other side. My tears? Pure Joy. Finally he pulled his thoughts together enough to spit out three words-- "I love you." I clasped my hand over my mouth and sat as a stream of tears ran down my face. I had waited for him to come back, but I never expected him to come back with something as big as those three small words.

Of course I responded a while later assuring him that I reciprocated. The next couple weeks were spent in pure bliss. Catching up, random texts, ridiculous story lines, and picture message after picture message. We had both known and considered the realities of pursuing a relationship with the other, but both decided to keep hushed till the time came. 

One night he called and spent the next couple hours talking about distance and differences. I had recognized them prior to our conversation, but my heart felt so right in his hands I didn't want to take it away so suddenly.

And, as quickly as love came--it left. Well, it didn't necessarily leave. More like I kicked it out and shut the door. The only problem here is...I didn't lock it. I told him that since he wasn't spiritually equipped to "lead me" we couldn't be together. I sound like a fool to anyone who hasn't walked the road I've decided to travel. It's an age old battle. Heart vs. Head. My head tells me he doesn't serve in the church, or worship the way I do, he doesn't pray as vigorously as me, or attend services on a regular basis. My heart tells me he's never walked in my shoes for even a moment, but he understands everything about me. He knows my secrets, my weaknesses, and my strengths. He knows my quirks and makes me laugh. He talks my ear off but I somehow never get bored. He listens to my gripes intently and makes no criticisms or judgements even though I've judged him countless times. He's not a spiritual man. But he's a noble man. Then I get to thinking, spirituality doesn't equal nobility. I know plenty of guys who serve in churches but aren't noble in the least. And here I have this man who doesn't but has ten times the love in his heart. I know men from churches who are two faced and some who serve but can't protect. He admits his faults, he knows he needs God and is willing to admit his lack of "spirituality." 

Have we become so picky as "children of God" that we decide who will suit and who wont simply because they aren't as avid in the faith? As far as I can tell his heart is true. But I cant judge his heart...can you? 

I spend so much time thinking about what I could have done differently. Or whether or not I made the right decision. I pray constantly that God looks favorably on the sacrifices I've made in his name. I gave up my life, my family, my home, my friends, and now I've given up my love. However, Im not angry at God in the least. But my heart is shattered. There have been moments where I could barely breathe. Nights where I can't sleep. My peace is gone. But thats not supposed to happen when you've followed God right?  

He brought my Isaac, and I willingly brought him to the altar. But when Abraham brought his sacrifice God brought him a ram in a thicket. Not to mention he got to keep Isaac. 

I lost him and got no ram. I dont know what to do anymore.