Im at that point in my life where I just want to start my life. I want to get on with my degrees and career. I want to make the mistakes that will teach me to be a better wife, daughter, and someday--mother. I want to live in my own house and let the dust pile up to the point where I cant bear it another minute and am transformed into a cleaning bot. I want to go on little vacations and lay out on the beach next to my husband, no words, just sun. I want to drink wine on the porch and marvel at this little life I have created for myself. I want to accomplish life.
Earlier this year I thought I had found a man who was going to carry me to those moments. But the tide turned again and pulled him out as quickly as he came. I could have sworn he was going to make my life count for something, instead he left me in shambles. He had left me in a pile of rubble and had taken my will to give again. I had decided that although he had ripped me in two I was going to hold on to whatever elation I had previously experienced with him. I lived in a dream. He was still gone, and I was still holding on.
One day a very good friend of mine had decided he'd wanted some company. It was July 4th. An American holiday filled with smoked brats, grilled burgers, red white and blue face paint, and a false sense of pride and security. Everyone goes about their family gatherings mingling and smiling, watching the children play with flags and light little firecrackers. Its the same every year. That night I planned on visiting him and then planned on heading over to another friends house for a midnight swim. Upon my arrival at his house I greeted his family and we proceeded outside to the roof of his garage. Theres a set of metal stairs that connect the patio to the roof, so we made our way up.
Really, I had see much more spectacular views before. He lives in the Humbolt park area of Chicago, a predominantly Puerto Rican part of the city. The roof was plain. There were no chairs or tables. Nothing added as decoration, just a roof. For the next hour and a half, that roof became a key in one of my lifes most defining moments. See, for the first part of the summer everyone we knew kept prodding us and asking why we weren't dating yet. I could never date him, I knew if I did it would get too serious and I had never been ready for that kind of commitment. I would brush off everyones comments and continue with my summer. Til that night.
We began a casual conversation about how strange it was that people keep asking us. It was surprising and flattering, but a risk we both knew could cost our friendship. I remember trying my best to avoid eye contact as our discussion progressed, he maintained a steady eye--on me. I leaned over the side of the garage and told him I wouldn't be able to give him everything. It wouldn't have been fair to him. My heart was still stuck somewhere under the ravaged remains of a past love. How could he want that? Who in the world could want a broken heart?
I can't imagine if he had never taken on such a daring feat. There he stood, a man, asking me for my heart--knowing I didn't even have it all to give. A man, who wanted my broken heart.
How could I be selfish? I paused for a moment, breathed deeply, and handed it over. He's held it ever since. His tender grasp hasn't let go for a second.
I recently came across a quote that read, "I hadn't realized how much I'd been needing to meet someone I might be able say everything to." How true that rung for me. I've spent my life on paper. I never had to say anything to anyone cause all I would do is write it down. Now, I wish I had practiced saying more. I never thought that I needed to.
I have found love. What I thought I had before doesn't even compare in the least. There is nothing closer to Godliness than this. To experience love is to come as close to God as He will allow without Him having to show His face. It's in Julio's eyes and smile that I learned what God must look like. It's in his arms where I felt the embrace of the Father, and in his hands where mine were safely kept. It's in the way he says " I love you" and the way he gives without inhibition. Its in his heart and his passion that I find my heart and my passion.
He brought me to that point. He makes me want to be a better daughter, and someday wife and mother. He makes me want to pick out coasters and couches. He makes me want to rent movies and slump around in my pajamas, eat take out, and laugh till we're sore. He makes the anticipations of days on the beach worth the wait. I look forward to the next 80 years with him here on earth, and the infinity after that. And to reaching that point together where we've accomplished life.
