persona non grata

Dear Love, 

Let me start by acknowledging your prominence in my life. Sure, miles didn't help. But your relevance goes undiminished. No, I'll never forget you. I'll never forget the broken pieces you left behind. But I'll sweep them up and throw them in the trash so no other love feels the sting of the shards. I'll make sure that there are no remnants left. No bits or pieces of you. 

A joke. A fallacy. All I ever had were your words--thats all you ever gave me. A bunch of words. Words over the phone, words over text, words over the internet, all just words. Nothing tangible. Nothing credible.
Just.Your.Words.

Dear Love, 

At one point you meant everything to me. At one point I could barely breathe at the thought of you. It was all so unreal. But as quickly as you came, you left. Here, in this blog, I'm leaving you. Letting you go to rot in whatever life you'll create for yourself. Cause well--you were always so independent. 

Dear Love,

You weren't real.
You weren't true.
You weren't love at all. 

Dear You,

You.....
You were a cop-out. 

I don't mind if I step alone

"Whatever your work is, do it gladly. Do it as you would do it unto the Lord and not for people." Colossians 3:23

Perhaps I'm taking this verse out of context when I apply it to things such as my writing. Within the context of previous verses it's actually referring to slaves; giving them reason to do their work with joy and zeal--as if it were unto the Lord. But I can't help but personalize it and make it for me and what I do. 

My mind is constantly on "write" mode. I tend to think as though I'm sitting at my computer writing rather than just speaking. Of course I have other passions, other desires, and other loves--but this, this is perhaps one of my greatest treasures. I often forget why I do it, which is why posts are so infrequent. I always find myself getting frustrated that no one reads these, even after I sweat and weep as I write them. I have so many things running through my head at any given time that I always consider "blogging" but never do. See, I hate knowing that I spend hours on these things--these insecurities. I hate knowing that I can write a million words and no one would even know. But I love knowing that I at least have an audience of one.

He's my biggest fan. None of my words ever go unread or un-noted. If He keeps count of the hairs on my head, which aren't life changing to me, I can only imagine how much esteem He gives to my words. If He gives regard to when a sparrow falls, then I know His eye is focused just as intently on me. I have the hardest time getting passed that, don't you? The creator of the UNIVERSE has His eye on you. To Him you're a celebrity. To Him I'm a famous author, I'm His treasure. I like to imagine that when the thunder claps it's His exclamation to me that I've done a good job in His eyes. The lightning is His camera flash, He's such a proud parent--such a beautiful father. He'd show off my picture if He could. Brag to all His friends that He's got a daughter who's completely smitten by Him and would do anything to make Him proud. What a gracious King--that He would come eat at the table with me. That He would choose to be my audience. 

So--I don't mind if I step alone. I don't mind if I write a book that never gets published or a song thats never sung. I don't do it to make a name for myself. The Lord of all already knows my name.

The snack bar will keep these hunger pangs at bay.

There are moments in worship where my heart wants to beat right out of my chest, and moments where it sinks to the pit of my stomach. Such is the life of a worshipper. It has become my deepest desire to have my heart be moved. I frequently find myself forcing it. Seeing that it's easy to become complacent, its easy to let our hearts stay still. A worshipper must take caution never to become too acquainted or "familiar" with the way it feels when they worship. I am constantly on this roller coaster of sorts where you never really get used to the rush. Its easy to stay still--its easy to fall asleep. But, it's in those moments of lifelessness that His hand comes and gives a little jolt--sending your heart right back out of your chest.

Have you ever known the heart of God? Have you ever just sat and soaked? You never want to forget those moments. The ones where you end up with a sort of worship vomit. Once you start admiring and acknowledging the beauty of the sovereign God you just can't stop. It stirs up this insatiability that almost possesses you. You literally step out of sanity for that moment. The hunger turns you into this beast that wont stop until the desire is satiated. Every taste is better than the last. I wish I could literally sit and be drenched in his presence like the rain. That I could walk out from having just immersed myself in his love and be completely soaked and have to ring out my clothes. I want to drown. I want it to fill my lungs. I want to be swept away by the waves and washed up on a shore on some remote island. The natives will have to revive me, but once I come around--they'll get it too. As I write I find myself longing for a drop. I almost feel like an addict, my veins are itching. My body'll start going through withdrawal because every moment spent away is a moment wasted. This is love. This is real love. It can't be curbed, it can't be stopped. He won me over and He'll keep me.

I've done it. I've lived without the presence of God in my life. I've gone through days and months without so much as a drop. The most trialing times of my life have been when there was a lack of His presence. More importantly, a lack of seeking Him. How terrible are we? Who do we think we are to punish God by walking away? You know, I've heard that it's wrong to boast in the greatness of God because people of other beliefs and opinions would get offended. Well--God is not politically correct and He's so much better for it. He's not molded or moved by the times. He doesn't change just because we change, no. We do not have the power to change God. He is sovereign, and he is beautiful, and he is worthy, and his presence...well...His presence is delicious.